Agony, Anguish, Misery, Suffering, Torment, ...

We are, we are, we are but your children
Finding our way around indecision
We are, we are, we are rather helpless
Take us forever, a whisper to a scream
-- Icicle Works

I have told multiple doctors and related healthcare professionals that I need help, that the help I have received has not been sufficient, that the help I AM receiving isn't either, and that I don't care what insurance covers -- I will figure out a way to pay out of pocket but give me what I need now. And if what I need now is going to take weeks to have an effect, well let's take the first step today and help me know what the next step is and it better damn not be an appointment in 4-6 weeks. I have spent decades in this system of small course corrections every month or two, managing the odd crises here and there as they arose, and it is no picnic.

Other than short term improvements measured in days, weeks when I am lucky, this system has brought me to the point where I have oodles of coping skills that I apply to get me through my day, but what should I do the next day? A life of just getting through the day, for years, is a torture I would not wish on my worst enemy.

Advice From A Psychiatrist

The further we go and older we grow
The more we know the less we show
-- The Cure

I have averaged four psychiatrists per decade. Most of them I had to change due to moving out of the area but two of them I changed because they seemed to offer very little face time before tweaking medications. So I suppose I was a good advocate for myself since I know I need more than a doctor who tries to rush me out of the office.

The quasi-defined term "treatment-resistant" is an understatement for my depression and twice I have been treated by multiple psychiatrists. The first period was when my long-term psychiatrist was handling most of my care/medications while a temporary psychiatrist treated me with electroconvulsive therapy. The second period was similar but the temporary psychiatrists were treating me with ketamine infusions.

Go Back To The Emergency Room To Manage Pain? Part 2

Well I don't believe in your institutions
I did what you wanted me to
-- Nine Inch Nails

In Part 1 I described how I was faced with the issue that the painkiller prescribed by the Emergency Department (ED) doctor that was most beneficial was a narcotic and was going to run out before my orthopedic doctor appointment for a pinched nerve.

My options were:

1. Do nothing, run out of prescribed narcotic, and hope for the best using OTC painkillers until my appointment with a specialist (exacerbating my anxiety/depression to possibly dangerous levels)
2. Keep calling appointments phone number to see if any orthopedic doctor had an opening (and explain my decades-long experience with depression, maybe even attempting to get squeezed into an earlier appointment by exaggerating and claiming the situation was pushing me toward being actively suicidal)
3. Return to an ED to ask for some sort of painkiller, probably the same narcotic
4. Visit my general doctor to ask for some sort of painkiller, probably a narcotic

The stage was set by days of interrupted sleep, mostly controlled but constant pain, and chronic low self-esteem causing me to question whether I deserve effective painkillers or even help from doctors. I forced myself (using Opposite Action for anyone familiar with DBT lingo) to call the appointments number a few times to check if any patients had cancelled which might have made earlier appointments available to me. But this is an absurd system to begin with: a cancellation could happen at any moment...should I seriously be tied to my phone redialing every few minutes to be the first lucky patient to grab an opening? If not every few minutes, maybe every hour? Every couple hours? Daily? On some level I wanted to call every 5 minutes to see if I could annoy every appointments person in the system -- the squeaky wheel gets the grease, right?

Go Back To The Emergency Room To Manage Pain? Part 1

I will let you down
I will make you hurt
-- Nine Inch Nails

I live in a metro area with millions of people and "consume" most of my healthcare from probably the largest, best-known, and most-acclaimed/awarded healthcare company in the area. If I need to see a specialist, there are usually several to choose from within easy driving distance and a single phone number to make an appointment with any of them.

A while ago on a Saturday I did something (moved furniture for a few minutes) that gave me all sorts of arm pain. After a couple nights of restless sleep due to OTC painkillers not helping enough, I went to the main Emergency Room, technically Emergency Department (ED), of the aforementioned company early Monday morning. After all, I had no idea what sort of specialist I needed and the pain combined with lack of sleep was not doing my anxiety/depression any favors so waiting for my general (primary care) doctor's office to open did not seem wise as they could be swamped with patients on Mondays. [Mental note: avoid moving furniture on weekends.]

Hate Phone Trees?

Feeling unknown and you're all alone
Flesh and bone by the telephone
-- Depeche Mode

You know you have an issue that requires a conversation with a real live human. No phone tree -- also called Interactive Voice Response, Integrated Voice Response, IVR, or not another freaking robot maze that is going to misunderstand my voice and will not let me go back if I hit the wrong button and so help me if it cuts me off after waiting on hold for a half hour, again, I am going to send large quantities of dog feces to the company's CEO -- can possibly resolve your issue. In frustration you may yell "operator!" or "representative!" or mash the zero button repeatedly but that may not help.

There is a site that can help, the aptly named gethuman.com. It may help you get a human fast, or at least the most efficient way that others have found.

Absurdity Abounds

You look so absurd, you look so obscene!
Oh, why can't I live a life for me?
Why should I take the abuse that's served?
-- Ministry

I fear the term absurd has fallen out of favor. Maybe because in our (Western?) society, beliefs and views can no longer be explicitly called absurd as somehow they have become worthy of respect.

If you think all beliefs should be respected, that is absurd. Let me prove it: pick any historical leader who advocated for and perpetrated genocide of a group based on a stated belief that the target group deserved to be killed. Surely that belief is not worthy of respect.

So what beliefs are absurd to you? How do you evaluate a belief?