Agony, Anguish, Misery, Suffering, Torment, ...

We are, we are, we are but your children
Finding our way around indecision
We are, we are, we are rather helpless
Take us forever, a whisper to a scream
-- Icicle Works

I have told multiple doctors and related healthcare professionals that I need help, that the help I have received has not been sufficient, that the help I AM receiving isn't either, and that I don't care what insurance covers -- I will figure out a way to pay out of pocket but give me what I need now. And if what I need now is going to take weeks to have an effect, well let's take the first step today and help me know what the next step is and it better damn not be an appointment in 4-6 weeks. I have spent decades in this system of small course corrections every month or two, managing the odd crises here and there as they arose, and it is no picnic.

Other than short term improvements measured in days, weeks when I am lucky, this system has brought me to the point where I have oodles of coping skills that I apply to get me through my day, but what should I do the next day? A life of just getting through the day, for years, is a torture I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I am not particularly wealthy but neither am I a pauper. When you get little relief from depression for years, if you are like me the importance of money spent on feeling better becomes paramount. You become increasingly willing to a fork over a larger chunk of your income/savings for a chance at joining society again, maybe even as a productive member of society. Failing that you just want to escape.

So I am running out of ways to say I am in pain. And I do not feel the message is being received or, at least, that the appropriate amount of healthcare resources are being devoted to my care. I want to shout: "Stop rationing appointments, face time, therapy, and give me Healthcares of the Rich and Famous (apologies to Robin Leach)! Offer me the latest and expensive treatments because the old/cheap paradigm is not working for my body/chemistry/brain/situation!"

How do I get doctors to take off their blinders and consider all available treatments, preferably without first ending up in a mental hospital to prove my level of desperation? Consulting a thesaurus has reminded me of more colorful terms for pain: agony, anguish, misery -- hopefully thoughts of an axe-wielding Kathy Bates will get their creative juices flowing.