Wednesday, November 19, 2014

More on Egolessness

Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me something
A day in the life of someone else?
-- P!nk
I have a sociological understanding of people but it is startling to me when I see a single person so in touch with one's ego while being out of touch with everyone around her -- a common example is a person talking on her mobile phone when ordering in a Chipotle-type restaurant, as if the time of the people in line behind her (and the efficiency of the workers) never crossed her mind. Another is a person making obviously illegal maneuvers in a car across lanes and around (or over) barricades with the expectation that although he does not have the right-of-way, he expects everyone else in traffic to yield the right-of-way to him (and, stupidly, on some level assuming the road conditions in addition to everyone's brakes, tires, other vehicle systems, and perception-reaction times are sufficient to avoid collisions or worse). I suspect the last time I could tap into that level of self-absorption was during my Terrible Twos.

Certain experiences have made people-watching dull for me. I people-become. Sometimes I come up with a great impersonation and sometimes I have greatness thrust upon me. I have honed my Self-Effacing, Ice-Breaking, Peace-Making, Mind Reader act to near perfection and use it in most social situations. I do not think I can read minds, of course, but I can tell with high precision when someone just wants to talk about themselves and/or is looking for some empathy. I usually make an effort with weary checkout clerks and waitstaff and speak their name as I pay them some compliment (I am reminded of Dale Carnegie who wrote: “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language”). I always make an effort with anyone handling anything I am about to consume -- Paula Poundstone, remarking about customers when she waited tables at an IHOP: "When people would be rude to me, I would touch their eggs. They didn't know; I felt better; it worked out." (I hope this does not make any germophobes reading this avoid breakfasty establishments).

I have radically accepted society as it was and as it is. I have seen the incredible breakthroughs and the gut-wrenching genocides. The promising democracies and the promises of dictators to their nations (and the not insignificant numbers of people governed by one that want to be governed by the other, grass being greener and all that). The peace-makers and the war-mongers. The mutually-exclusive groups that claim to have the Truth and the wise people who nod at them politely then get back to the tasks of recording, archiving, and revising the repositories of knowledge as new information becomes available. Note I did not say I liked or approved of society, just that I have accepted it as is.

Everyone has the potential to improve society, the world, and beyond if we rely more on our brains and transcend primal instinct that has outlived its usefulness. So the next time you refuse to spend the 20 seconds required to return your shopping cart to the cart corral because your time is way more valuable than that of other people, remember that we have abundant resources and so we do not have to behave like cavepeople in life-or-death situations -- we have evolved. What do you say, does it make sense to rationally act evolved as a member of society or to REact on impulse, out of control, like an animal?

Monday, November 17, 2014

Winter Poem

Due to a therapy group that I wanted to attend today being full by the time I arrived, I attended a different sort of therapy that uses one's creativity. I wrote a poem that I rather liked on the topic of winter so I thought I would post it -- I do not plan to have posts like this very often:

Trees with voids
Whistling replaced with howling
Between gusty blusts
There is still no silence, no stillness
The forest does not die
It creeps ever so slowly
And the creaks, crunches, rustles
Push the rotting stuff to become
A smorgasbord for the fungi
For the microbes
For the unsung heroes of
Everything

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Depressive Realism

And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now
For now, for now, for now
But only for now (for now)
Only for now (for now)
Only for now (for now)
Only for now
Only for now (for now there's life)
Only for now (for now there's love)
Only for now (for now there's work)
For now there's happiness
But only for now (for now discomfort)
But only for now (but now there's friendship)
Only for now (for now)
Only for now, only for now
Sex is only for now
Your hair is only for now
George Bush is only for now
Don't stress, relax
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes
Everything in life is only for now
Each time you smile (only for now)
It'll only last a while (only for now)
Life may be scary (only for now)
But it's only temporary
Everything in life is only for now
-- Avenue Q Soundtrack
There is a theory, criticisms of which I will set aside for the sake of discussion here, that depressed people make more accurate appraisals of the world than non-depressed people do. This "depressive realism" may be the one thing that depression has going for it.

A positive mental attitude. Always looking on the bright side. A sunny disposition. Seeing the best in people. Wearing rose-colored glasses. With the possible exception of the last term, these are descriptions of behaviors of people who see reality with a good but nevertheless biased worldview. But reality is good and bad. And everything between. So consciously or subconsciously focusing on any part more than the rest of reality can understandably lead to inaccurate appraisals and memories.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Vulnerablity

Today I learned that the emotion of love can make a person feel invulnerable. I thought that was odd since love has allowed me to feel and be vulnerable -- but that probably requires me to feel trust, too. I know vulnerable is not necessarily the opposite of invulnerable but I just considered them opposites for the sake of discussion.

I also met a couple counselors/therapists while inpatient who love Brene Brown since I mentioned how in at least one of her Ted Talks she discussed how vulnerability is a strength and the counselors' faces lit up.

Different regions of the US are known for preferring some emotions, or no emotions, over others. But if vulnerability is a strength as I suspect it is, maybe the west coasters, specifically the hippie sorts there, are closer to having a healthy/appropriate approach of embracing emotions as they are and not judging anyone for their emotions. I always felt hippies got some things right but was not really sure what -- perhaps their acceptance of all emotions and the related vulnerability somehow resonated with me then and now I know there is wisdom in that. Pardon my stereotyping but I thought it would get my point across easier.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Separation From Loved Ones

Being separated from loved ones while inpatient for mental health issues is weird. I am suddenly among patients with similar or relatable issues but with different life circumstances which, in a way, is comforting since it underscores the genetic or at least the biological component for these issues. And if I see other people with depression getting "better" it gives me a bit of confidence that I can, too.

A couple people today talked about their desire to fight their depression and to conquer it. I wonder if these war-like metaphors apply to mental illnesses. Seems to me that first you accept the reality of having depression then educate then practice coping skills the rest of your life. Reduction of symptoms may come with meds but conquering depression is like conquering freckles.
Getting very sleepy so let me just say damn my literalist mind! Since soap was not included in "Each client is responsible for providing personal hygiene products such as shampoo, toothpaste and deodorant" as stated in the copious reading materials and forms I have read through to become inpatient, I thought soap would be provided by the facility. I was wrong so I guess I will just be using shampoo during my showers for a few days. :(

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

I Am Inpatient, Hear Me Roar

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
-- Helen Reddy
I am fairly certain that most of my blog posts will be shorter as I am inpatient for a while. A long while. I will not have as easy access to song lyrics so the format of most posts will necessarily change.

If you are not familiar with someone with long term or acute mental health issues, you may not know that there are different sorts of inpatient facilities. One distinction is some handle patients on a voluntary basis, some on an involuntary basis, and some can handle both. Another distinction is whether it is a locked-door facility or an unlocked-door facility or a mix. As I continue to blog it may become more clear what type I am in but for right now it is not something I am going to share which may make little sense to some readers since I write this using a pseudonym but that is my decision for now.