7 Favorite Assumptions

There is a star in the sky
Guiding my way with its light
And in the glow of the moon
Know my deliverance will come soon
There is a sound in the calm
Someone is coming to harm
I press my hands to my ears
It's easier here just to forget fear
And when I squinted
The world seemed rose-tinted
And angels appeared to descend
To my surprise
With half-closed eyes
Things looked even better
Than when they were opened
--Depeche Mode 

It is good to challenge assumptions. It is wise to challenge assumptions. But are you able to effectively, actually, challenge your own assumptions? I am going to be frank about my seven favorite assumptions and be as critical about them as I am able. To that end I plan to pick one each day of this week and set it aside as if it were 100% false or did not exist as part of my worldview. I think it should be enlightening.

My favorite assumptions, in no particular order:

Metapost: Comments Working?

I learned that comments on this blog are not always working but I do not know why. I confirmed my settings which should allow comments. For the few people in real life that know me, let me know when you are unable to post comments -- feel free to try commenting on this post to see what happens.

Alive With The Sound Of Suicidality

On days like this
In times like these
I feel an animal deep inside
Heel to haunch on bended knees
Living on if and if I tried
Somebody send me
Please
Dream wars and a ticket to seem
Giving out and in
Selling the don't belong
Well what do you say
Do you have a word for giving away
Got a song for me
(Sing)
(Sing)
Hey now, hey now now, sing This Corrosion to me
Hey now, hey now now, sing This Corrosion to me
Hey now, hey now now, sing This Corrosion to me
Hey now, hey now now, sing
I got nothing to say I ain't said before
I bled all I can I won't bleed no more
-- The Sisters of Mercy

For months I have been asking for, pleading for, more help. I went way outside my comfort zone to get all the paperwork filled out and signed to get into the premier mental health facility in the region -- the process would have been drawn out if I let the normal person who advocates for me in her spare time do it so I spent many hours getting to all the doctors' offices to make sure it was done quickly. Then it took more than a week longer than expected to get in for an assessment. Shortly after my assessment I was informed there was approximately a two week wait to get in but I was on the waiting list. Two weeks later I learn it still "will be a couple weeks". If I did not know better I would look at this data of getting put off a week, then a couple weeks, then a couple more weeks -- the trendline indicates the delays are getting longer so at this rate I will never get in. And all the parties involved know I have suicidal plans!

Granted I was not guaranteed to have treatment start quickly but the material I was asked to read during my assessment stated "accepted clients can potentially begin treatment within 48 hours" and my assessor told me I was expected to begin treatment there, once accepted, within 48 hours. My poor verbal memory does not allow me to exactly quote what my assessor told me but I know damn well that not only was my acceptance indicated but also that I was to prepare myself to be a resident there within 48 hours. I had quite an anxious reaction to her saying that because, for one thing, I did not have the suggested 7 days worth of clothes to pack and while a person in a normal state of mind might be able to buy/wash clothes quickly and swiftly get everything else in life put on pause for potentially months (family/pets, work/projects, relationships/friendships, holidays/vacations, and various other appointments and expectations), my anxious state made even deciding where to buy plain t-shirts feel like an insurmountable task.

After Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation

And I still find it so hard
To say what I need to say
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today
-- New Order

So I completed a normal course of deep transcranial magnetic stimulation (dTMS) treatments for depression. The magnetic fields were focused on the part of the brain that clinical trials have shown can improve mood (decrease the symptoms of depression) on a timescale of weeks to months. It did not have a noticeable impact on my mood. It did cause some unpleasant side affects that were not that common (compared with those observed in the clinical trials) but manageable.

There appeared to be an increase in the amount I wanted to express myself which I attribute to the treatments. I wanted to write more (and blog more) but I had trouble staying focused long enough to write something that others might want to read. I did talk to more friends and family than usual about a wide range of topics -- not the boring small talk people fall into comfortably, either. I tried my hardest to be vulnerable, to say what too many regret never saying. No, I don't want to talk about the weather. Or a sports team. Or a hobby that is only meaningful to one of us.

A Life Worth Living, Goal?

Someone take these dreams away
That point me to another day
A duel of personalities
That stretch all true realities
-- Joy Division

It has taken me years to be able to come up with what makes my life worth living. I had a bit of a breakthrough during the last week and maybe I can record it in some sort of goal.

I want to reduce the sadness I experience when thinking about, particularly when remembering, traumatic events. Trauma hits me often in waves of increasing severity that seem like they will never stop. Trauma that happens to me, trauma that happens to loved ones, trauma that happens to strangers -- continuing the water metaphor it all wells up in me and I cry until the tears and snot stop flowing. After crying myself out I think the next stage is being distracted or the pressure will just build. But the distractions are temporary and I wonder if I heal at all because the next time I recall a trauma, it seems just as intense as the last time (even though I rarely have flashbacks).

Forty-Two

I don't know what I am I don't know where I've been
Human junk just words and so much skin
Stick my hands through the cage of this endless routine
Just some flesh caught in this big broken machine
-- Nine Inch Nails

The long dark tea-time of the soul looms in 42 days. It is my understanding that this is when I learn the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything but it would be nice to have that knowledge now. Well what's 42 more days compared with 7.5 million years...as long as the gnab gib is not nigh.

Stephen Fry knows. He knows why the answer to the question is 42 and the reason is "fascinating, extraordinary and, when you think hard about it, completely obvious." I am freaking jealous.

Comfortable In Society

I want to take you in my arms
Forgetting all I couldn't do today
Black celebration
Black celebration
Tonight
To celebrate the fact
That we've seen the back
Of another black day
I look to you
And your strong belief
Me, I want relief
Tonight
Consolation I want so much
Want to feel your touch
Tonight
Take me in your arms
Forgetting all you couldn't do today
Black celebration
I'll drink to that
Black celebration
Tonight
-- Depeche Mode

I should make it clear that I am no proponent of going off meds (my shorthand for antidepressants and the like). I have been on meds for over 15 years with only one short break, and that break was agreed upon by my psychiatrist, some other medical professionals I consulted, and family members. AND my psychiatrist directed me how to step down my meds and in which order so it would be the safest and have the fewest side effects. AND my psychiatrist and other medical professionals monitored me during and after. This was done for a few reasons but the main one was I wanted to find my baseline mood.

Hope

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh, I realize
It's hard to take courage

In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness there inside you
Makes you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
Are beautiful like a rainbow
-- Cyndi Lauper

There is a fundamental disconnect in my brain when it comes to hope. I know the placebo effect helps some people actually get better. I know prayer makes some people feel better and, so, with the mind-body connection, at the very least can work like the placebo effect. I know a positive mental attitude can be the only tool that will bridge the gap between success and failure.

But when it comes to medicine there has to be an actual, quantifiable difference between a given treatment's effects and a person's belief that a "snake oil" will lead to the effects. So I find it odd that a suggestion, in any medical field but particularly in mental health, would be to remain positive that a given treatment will help. It is not isolated -- every mental health professional I have worked with in one way or another has emphasized the importance of staying positive. If I were able to stay positive, I would not need help for depression!