Egoless

If you want a lover
I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
I'll wear a mask for you
If you want a partner
Take my hand
Or if you want to strike me down in anger
Here I stand
I'm your man
-- Leonard Cohen

I have worn the People-Pleasing Mask, maybe the same thing as the Society-Pleasing Mask, for so long that it has become my primary mask. It has also become second nature to try on masks that others wear to see the world from their perspectives. For example: a bit of research and bang I become, temporarily, a hardcore pro-lifer. A bit more research and bang I become a hardcore pro-choicer. So when I hear, say, a pro choice proponent say, "I just can't understand how anyone can be pro life...", I think that is odd because I find it easy to understand and often sympathize with all sides and their nuances.

When I began developing ideas for a blog I thought of writing as if I were genderless (and attempt to write as bias-less, more on that later) because I have done just that when playing online multiplayer games where people from all walks of life role-play as characters in online worlds created by programmers. It fascinated me when other players would fixate on determining whether I was biologically male or female in real life -- frequently others would conclude if I played aggressively then I must be male but if I played diplomatically I must be female. And this is in the era where most gamers are familiar with sayings like "The Internet: where men are men, women are women, and little girls are FBI agents."

Thanks to more therapy hours than a camel has fleas, I am comfortable with being completely vulnerable and removing all masks. Setting aside every mask, some layered on others, I am pretty sure there is nothing left besides the animal with basic needs like shelter and food. Or at least my ego has been so suppressed for so long that for most intents and purposes, I have no ego. I have been challenged to spend time finding the "authentic me" but I am afraid that the best I can do is create another mask that approximates my animal-ness. I suspect that my egoless-ness is largely from being victimized repeatedly -- I learned over and over that my body is not mine and my opinions and preferences do not matter. There are plenty of ways victimization can hurt self esteem but I am not sure how often suppression of and possibly destruction of one's self-concept happens.

I have memories, as imperfect as they can be, which combined with knowledge and training, particularly in hard sciences, has equipped "me" (or is it a mask?) with tools that I use to analyze the world. Similar to trying on masks I have taken all sorts of biases out for a spin which has left me attuned to spotting biases in "myself" and others. I often wish I could help people minimize their favorite biases when discussing complex issues but too often people have locked their biases to their egos. Then I wish I could help people "check their egos at the door" but few are willing to try that even for brief thought experiments.

So if there is no me, any question directed at me necessarily is answered by a mask. How am I? How am I feeling? What are my goals? My answers are simply what others want to hear. Trust me when I say this is tedious. It takes tremendous energy to find the right mask for the right answer to satisfy the askers. And there is no end in sight to this tedium if I play by society's rules which are, basically, stay on the right side of norms until your body stops working even if it means decades of unnecessary suffering.

My ability to sympathize with various points of view helps me resolve disagreements, particularly when someone is complaining and all they really need is someone to truly hear their complaints. Maybe that is the greatest lesson I can pass along to those who are wedded to their biases and welded to their egos: listen to others. Truly listen. Or at the very least fake it by letting another person speak all she wants then -- and here is the important part you fakers -- do not say a damn thing the rest of the day (or, if you have to, do not talk about anyone but that other person). Or is your ego too feeble to go without stroking for a day?