Comfortable In Society

I want to take you in my arms
Forgetting all I couldn't do today
Black celebration
Black celebration
Tonight
To celebrate the fact
That we've seen the back
Of another black day
I look to you
And your strong belief
Me, I want relief
Tonight
Consolation I want so much
Want to feel your touch
Tonight
Take me in your arms
Forgetting all you couldn't do today
Black celebration
I'll drink to that
Black celebration
Tonight
-- Depeche Mode

I should make it clear that I am no proponent of going off meds (my shorthand for antidepressants and the like). I have been on meds for over 15 years with only one short break, and that break was agreed upon by my psychiatrist, some other medical professionals I consulted, and family members. AND my psychiatrist directed me how to step down my meds and in which order so it would be the safest and have the fewest side effects. AND my psychiatrist and other medical professionals monitored me during and after. This was done for a few reasons but the main one was I wanted to find my baseline mood.

It is normal for anyone considering taking meds or on meds to wonder about the differences between their un-medicated self and their medicated self. A person reluctant to take meds may worry that a part of her that she likes will change to the point where she will not like it any longer. A person on meds may feel she needs to stay on meds to please others or society, sometimes including to please the health care industry that will insist (through therapists and psychiatrists but also through marketing) that feeling better will make you a better "you". Defined pretty much by how comfortable you are in society.

Which brings me to my point: is being comfortable in society that lofty a goal? And to what extent should one "be" in society? These questions are central for me because, for various nature/nurture reasons and this likely only applies to me, I think I am >99% society and <1% self. I even feel weird using the pronoun "I" -- similar to having two distinct personalities, one of which was created to protect "me" by fitting into society, becoming immersed in it, and the second which was the authentic me with the twist that the latter no longer exists in any meaningful way. In a weird way, trying to be like everyone has left me like no one.

Let me re-emphasize how critical it is to remain compliant with all doctors' orders (unless they conflict in which case seek the counsel of more doctors). Do it for yourself, do it for your family, do it for your community, and do it for humanity. Also do not rely on your memory of verbal conversations -- all appointments, all orders, all prescriptions, and all doctors' names and the names of each one's main office should be recorded somewhere you check often. I set loud alarms, often multiple alarms, for just about everything in my life along with the above info in my mobile phone which I keep, along with any meds I might need between morning and night, on my person at all times during the day. The better schedule you keep, the more compliant you will be with doctors' orders and then, when good/bad/weird stuff happens you are more likely to figure out the causes.

Still I think about what it was like off meds. Yes I had plenty of crying spells, including at commercials that were not intended to evoke any emotional response besides consuming some product. Yes I had laughing fits some of which were at inappropriate times and lasted for inappropriate amounts of time (note I am not bipolar but my mood swings during this time had some similarities to those of people with bipolar diagnoses). Yes the crying/laughing, combined with my anxiety triggered by authority figures, pretty much precluded me working anywhere with people or a boss. Yes all this made for many uncomfortable situations, for me and those around me, but I now wish I had sat in that discomfort more. I wish I had studied that discomfort longer. I wish I had not stifled the laughter or the tears. I wish I had been able to avoid judging my mood as something that needed to be reigned in. At least for a while I wish I could have told society to take a hike if it did not like my moods and just let me be. Maybe I would have discovered a potential for greatness like so many other socially awkward individuals who blazed their own trails throughout history.

Obviously my rights stop when they infringe on another person's and the fear of mental health professionals is that I could be a threat to myself or others. I never wanted to physically hurt or kill others but an unchecked mood of despair could set the stage for suicide. I believe for me to commit that, I would weigh the non-physical pain it would cause family/friends (and the even harder-to-predict ripples impacting their families/friends and so on) against the ending of all my pain. I only mention the pain and not the pleasures nor the other interesting parts of living because all pain I have ever experienced (that I can remember) is ever-present and almost as raw as the moment it happened (perhaps I do not grieve properly) while pleasures fade quickly. Time it seems does not heal all wounds.

I sometimes can turn my mind away from painful memories. My meds and tools (like DBT skills) probably help with that...but most days just enough to get through the day. Day after day of just getting through makes it hard for me to think about the future but I damn well know old age sucks and getting there will likely suck. I really do not want to get old and I seriously doubt any medication or meditation is going to make me want to get old. The expectation of living as long as possible no matter how miserable until some part of your body becomes so broken as to kill you is antiquated. I have ownership of my body so I am able to ask questions like: does it make sense to end the pain 2 years before natural death? What about 20 years? These are certainly taboo questions in most corners of society but consider: if a person smokes enough to cut 2 (or 20) years off her life, is that substantially different? What about if a person eats poorly and that cuts 2 (or 20) years off his life? What about a soldier volunteering for a particularly dangerous mission? What about an extreme sports enthusiast?