After Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation

And I still find it so hard
To say what I need to say
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today
-- New Order

So I completed a normal course of deep transcranial magnetic stimulation (dTMS) treatments for depression. The magnetic fields were focused on the part of the brain that clinical trials have shown can improve mood (decrease the symptoms of depression) on a timescale of weeks to months. It did not have a noticeable impact on my mood. It did cause some unpleasant side affects that were not that common (compared with those observed in the clinical trials) but manageable.

There appeared to be an increase in the amount I wanted to express myself which I attribute to the treatments. I wanted to write more (and blog more) but I had trouble staying focused long enough to write something that others might want to read. I did talk to more friends and family than usual about a wide range of topics -- not the boring small talk people fall into comfortably, either. I tried my hardest to be vulnerable, to say what too many regret never saying. No, I don't want to talk about the weather. Or a sports team. Or a hobby that is only meaningful to one of us.

A complicating factor was I injured my shoulder/arm recently which possibly aggravated a pinched nerve from months ago. It took several days to find the right medications to manage the new pain well enough to sleep at night so my sleep has been spotty and insufficient for a week or so.

The effects of my depression are not always predictable but the combination of it with feelings of ongoing physical pain, sleep deprivation, the helplessness with which I watch more weeds sprouting in the yard, the dread of dealing with plumbers again now that the shower handle has started dripping, the let down of dTMS, the let down by my contact person not returning my calls regarding the next step of my treatment, the let down by other issues related to therapy, and the anxiety about family members' reactions to my therapist contacting them to warn them of concerns that I have plans to end my life have brought me to a predicable place: hopeless despair. I try to do the "right" thing, I try to please others but that is just it -- it is all for others. I feel no desire whatsoever to be alive for me. I know I "should" but I don't. What I want is to not be here but in so many ways everyone is telling me that is not what I want. Why can't I want that?

Is it reasonable for others to want me to live in despair and for how long? The likelihood that the next combination of meds, treatments, and therapies being the one that brings me out of despair is low, no matter the cost in dollars and days. I need a reduction in my sadness related to traumatic events/memories but I currently lack the hope after so many failures to reduce my sadness.